The Big Issue : Edition 558
THEBIGISSUE.ORG.AU 23 MAR–5 APR 2018 21 All’s Fair in Love and Comedy Remind me to run this conversation past my psychologist. “TAP TAP OR NO DIN DINS!” Too much pacing. I don’t like Stage 3. Too much angst. It’s also so expensive. What with the 4 laptops we go through because I keep pelting them at the wall. I thought they all “got stolen”. Oh yeah. That’s right. A bird came in and stole them. It also put all those holes in the wall. Silly bird. No thanks birds. Stage 3 is basically you saying things like “Is there something in this?” And then me briefly looking up from Facebook to say “Yeah I reckon”. Wait, what is it that you do? I’ve never really asked. Who dis? Touché Stage 4: You have heaps of new bits that you’ve tried out, and we have to put them in some sort of order that will hopefully last 50-55 minutes. FINALLY I’M NEEDED! RHYSY IT’S ME KYRAN! THIS IS THE BIT I HELP WITH! Hello Karen. Yes this is the bit where I do a trial version of the show with you up the back writing notes, hate it, we have a small fight about it where I say some pretty insane things, hug, eat some sort of fried food and go to sleep. Then the next day, repeat. It’s what I imagine Ellen and Portia do, too. It’s like that song: Eat, Sleep, Panic for 12 hours, Repeat. Ergh. Imagine raving. Why do they all have dummies? Stage 5: Show opens. Oh wait. It’s a drug thing isn’t it? I guess I should ask you something serious before this ends. Maybe something like, “Do you ever get worried about talking about our relationship on stage?” Look at me, I’m a journalist! Hello Karen. I don’t think I do? Should I be? Oh god, maybe I am now? Cancel the shows. No, I don’t think you should worry. I’m sort of like a stand. Like you can use me to talk about everyone else’s relationships. Yeah unfortunately we have a pretty drama-free relationship. Which is very annoying for this job. I get more worried I’m going to offend someone in our extended families. We both have bloody minefields of family. I am running out of stuff to talk about. Do you reckon our fams really care? I reckon Mum bloody loves it when she comes up in a show. If ever you’ve suffered from constipation, I recommend opening a new stand-up comedy show. I get it though. You are secretly the most gentle and loving person I know. And the idea of hurting anyone in the family – you just wouldn’t. Maybe you should’ve been a minister. She’s always drinking wine or holidaying in the stories. She’s comes off great! DON’T ROLL YOUR EYES AT ME! I CAN TELL YOU’RE ROLLING YOUR EYES AT THE NICE COMMENT! Is that what the magazine wants? Am I meant to send a dick pic now or something? Maybe we’ll get the centrefold So, to sum up, our working relationship/actual relationship is much like this article. Me providing structure, pathos and the occasional loving comment, and you pretending to be awful and coming off as very funny. I guess Karen Love you Rhysy! Stay warm! Bye! I’m just going out to meet my London husband. Wait shit Who dis? » Kyran Wheatley (@kyranwheatley) is a broadcaster and comedian living in Melbourne with a comedian called Rhys. Rhys Nicholson (@rhysnicholson) is a comedian and writer living in Melbourne with a broadcaster by the name of Kyran. Rhys’ show Seminal (directed by Kyran) is on tour nationally from March at the Melbourne, Sydney and Perth Comedy festivals. Clears you right out. PHOTOSFROMINSTAGRAM Every now and then I wish you’d just have a breakdown or something.