The Big Issue : Edition 451
46 THEBIGISSUE7–20FEB2014 Dear Quick Fix, The smell of roast chicken is the most wonderful smell in the world! That’s why I like to advance-roast nine or 10 chickens whenever I invite a lady over to my house. Before she arrives, I place the roasted chickens in various strategic positions – under the couch, in my chandelier, under my bed quilt, in the shower etc – so that the aroma is evenly distributed and my whole place smells extra-superb. Last Valentine’s Day, I invited a lady to my house but she left abruptly after 15 minutes and did not return my texts or calls afterwards. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m wondering if her early exit had something to do with the chickens? Just Chicken Dear Just Chicken, The problem is that you’re too fixated on achieving an even distribution of the aroma. If you have a date on Valentine’s Day this year, it would be better to stash all your advance- roasted chickens in one concentrated space, like a walk-in wardrobe. If the night is going well, you can broach the issue of chickens casually but directly: “On a scale of one to 10, how much do you enjoy the smell of roasted chickens?” If she answers 5.5 or higher, take her by the hand and lead her to your bedroom. Once inside, slide open the cupboard door and present your ladyfriend with a wardrobe wonderland of poultry. Quick Fix » Got a REAL problem? Quick Fix can’t help you. She has problems of her own, which you can follow on the @squickens Twitter feed. WRITER SOPHIE QUICK » ILLUSTRATOR MICHAEL WELDON QUICK FIX #28 Poultry Problems The WOMEN’S SUBSCRIPTION ENTERPRISE BIG3384_JudyPhotographybyAndrewGoldie. See the change in Judy’s life here. A yearly subscription to The Big Issue magazine helps women like change their lives; receiving ongoing training, mentoring, support and an income as she packs and wraps magazines for subscriptions. Visit or call (02) 8227 6485 to subscribe. BIG3994-WSE Press Ad Update_270x210_JUDY_HRFA.indd 1 6/12/13 3:33 PM Chicken lovers (and readers of Culture Police) please note: only fictitious fowl were harmed in the making of this column.